SLICE OF LIFE
Swirling keytar freakout part of The Edgar Winter Group’s Frankenstein = Music that plays in my head as I hide in the bathroom, compulsively picking at my face.

Click here if you would like to reenact at home.

I’VE GOT A BAG OF COTTON BALLS AND A FAVOR TO ASK . . .
OMG, it’s not what it sounds like!! I went hiking in the woods this weekend and came back covered in Poison Ivy. I don’t mean to sound perverted, I just need someone to daub some calamine lotion on a very hard to reach spot. Until I orgasm. What?! Unfortunately, there’s no one around to anoint me!! I’ve called everyone I know, and they’re all totally busy or lost their arms in a threshing accident. YEAH RIGHT! I’m not calling anyone a liar it’s just kind of funny how every time I need a bunion rub or a boil lanced, suddenly no one has hands. I’m just saying . . .

OMG, who’s that looking back in the mirror, Enemy Mine? It’s all over face, on my back, my arms, my legs, inside my nose, and even on my hoo-ha. Oh, shush, like you never touch your magic places. That reminds me of this time I cleaned a foggy window and was startled by a cat sitting right there. It was the only other time I screamed when I wiped.

When I tell people I got poison ivy, they look at me like I’m an idiot , but I swear it wasn’t my fault!! I mean it’s not like I grabbed a whole bunch of it and rubbed it all over my face or anything! First of all, it was like one leaf and I didn’t rub it all over my face, just my nose, chin and eyes. What? I though it was aloe! I guess it was a dumb mistake, but there’s no google image search in the woods, alright?

You know what, since we seem to be having a truthfulness party, I wasn’t in the woods, I was rolling around on a planted median near the Holland tunnel. Naked. During rush hour. I was a little depressed and I was trying to cheer myself up. I may not be able to afford pinkberry like a normal person, but writhing around in the brush on a traffic island naked is well within my price range. Oh well, at least for 45 minutes, I was genuinely happy. Would have been longer if this over-observant douchebag riding by on a stupid recumbent bike hadn’t called the cops. OMG, I totally hate everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEET CHRIST, the itching is driving me nucking futs, where’s the hell’s that BBQ fork I was using earlier?! FFFFFFFF, ahhhh that’s the stuff! My friends tell me to stop scratching, that I’ll only make it worse. Whatever, I know when to stop, when I see blood, the human body’s natural red light! Uh oh. Ears grow back, right?

EX-BOYFRIEND LOVE ADVICE
Talk about fucking gall, people. A shitty ex-boyfriend of mine who dumped me long ago, just called for advice on how to break up with his current girlfriend!!! That’s like a having a murderer who left you for dead call up for hints on how to dispose a body: “I was thinking maybe culvert by the side of the road, in the tall weeds?”

This is how my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Much like the SAT, he used an analogy. Here it is, word for word: “Have you ever lived in an apartment and there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s totally fine and everything, but you just wanted to move out of it?”

Let me guess, asshole- I’m the apartment?!!!!! Me is to apartment as this relationship is to sucks?! Looks like I just got a 1600! But instead of going to Princeton, I’m going to Dumpville State. OMG, I don’t understand, we just saw Donnie Darko, isn’t it time to listen to Split Enz and make out??? Um, Obvs, that’s what should have happened. You know what, God owes me a post-darko make out sesh for that grotesque miscarriage of propriety. I’m serious, bitches. I got netflix and an IOU. Who’s coming over?!!! Whooooo's it gonna be? I SAW YOU DRAW THE SHORT STRAW, DON’T TRY TO PUT IT BACK!!!

Call me crazy, but I just feel that break-up speeches are a bad time for metaphor. I suppose it could have been worse. I could have been a overdue library book, a gross tasting bagel or a pair of pants he could no longer wear due to explosive diarrhea. I guess I can be grateful he didn’t decide to act it out with finger puppets or a rap that rhymed dump with different hump.

He didn’t give me any real reasons why he was breaking up with her other than he was bored and therefore her lease was up. See that? BASTARD!!!! I knew it wasn’t my fault, despite my cheating, incontinence and sleep-stabbing!!! (Only once, and it was really just a scrape. Hush.) That guy's like a pit in the woods girls accidentally fall into. He really needs one of those cautionary face tattoos they used to give adulterers and bread thieves.

ANYWAY, WTFF I am supposed to say to him on this entirely too personal subject? Besides FUUUUCK YOUUU!!!. I mean. OMG, I don’t know, try to grow a soul? I yelled at him for forty-five minutes about what a total douche he was and told him to do the right thing: be honest and end it. His genius plan was to act more and more disinterested until she couldn’t take it anymore and dumped him.

OMG, WHAT A TOTAL ASSHOLE, RIGHT?????.
Finally, I was like “Why am I even talking to this jackass anymore?! He’s like one of those psychic vampires Anton LaVey warned me about!!!! (La Vey briefly dated my mother in 1987, then dumped her for a 21 year-old checkout girl at Stop & Stop. Some role model!!) Anyway, it was time to take charge of my life!! I was furious! I slammed down the phone, deleted his number from my cell, then went right over there and had sex with him!

OOPZ!!!!!!! But what about all the things I did right?! The part when I got mad, the phone slam and the number delete? Me do good! But all of a sudden only the fellatio part matters! What do you want, perfection?!!! God damn it! It doesn’t matter anyway, cuz my ex-boyfriend and I are dating again!!!!! (I think!!!) I’ve been memorizing my trivial pursuit deck so just try and get bored this time, fucker, your life just became pop-up video!!!!! Wish me luck!!!!

IT’S SUMMERTIME, FUCKERS!!!!

OMG, SOR-REE I haven’t been posting much, but I had to get out of town for a little while. The city is crowded, my friends are away and I’m on my own. It’s too hot to handle, so I got to get up and go! OMG, did you even realize I was quoting a Bananarama song just now???? Well I was! My work is filled with arcane references, so have your google at the ready if you're dumb!!!

Anyway, some friends of mine were going away for the weekend but “forgot” to invite me. OOPZ!!!! Imagine their surprise when I climbed into their car at a Connecticut rest stop! Wait, when I said surprise, I actually meant horror. Chill the fuck out, me am brought Cinnabon! I guess the sight of me clambering in the window covered in blood and leaves from some shortcuts I took was kind of shocking (BTW, why is there so much razor wire surrounding highways?! I mean, what are they protecting, it’s just a road!) but their annoyance soon gave way to resignation and we were well on our way to fun town. (I use a similar tactic with dating. I call it the wear-down.) Enjoy these pix documenting my frolics in the first golden blush o’ summer.


OMG, Is this my life or an outtake from a Capri Sun commercial? ME AM HAVE FUN IN SUN!!!! BTW, I totally apologize to the taker of the photo for his subsequent tramplelation. Moments after this photo was taken, I started hydroplaning and it was very hard to stop. I’ll pay for the bonding on your front tooth as soon as I get a job- I swear!!!!! This photo is also available in giant poster size, 72” x 96” (Not really.)


Come on in, the water’s great!! Actually, after this picture was taken, someone informed me I was laying in the sewage run-off. The actual surf is behind me. OOPZ I had to hang my suit out the window on the ride home, and later I had to boil it, causing my house like to smell like fermented balls. Which was kind of an improvement!!! OMG, SELF DIS!!!!


Her name is Rio and she dances on the sands….. You know how people’s body types are apples or pears---I think I’m a yam. OMG, SIGH.

The only thing missing from this picture is a loving boyfriend waiting with a large, soft towel to swaddle me. And, as long as I’m dreaming, maybe offer me a peanut butter cup to replenish the electrolytes I lost whilst capering in the foam. That’s not so much to ask for, is it people? Why is that like a fucking fantasy novel at this point????? There’s more of a chance of someone like me finding a freaking leprechaun than finding a cute boy to towel off me off and hand me a Reeses. Anyway, whatever. I wasn’t about to hold my breath waiting for Mr. Right to come along, so I simply rolled in a patch of kelp ‘till dry.


YAAAAA!!!!! What tha??? I only had dozed off for like a minute before I woke to find myself entombed by this toddler. Real cute, right? More like a junior Mafioso. “This is what happens to squealers,” growled the tyke, as he patted down the sand to a crust of inescapable hardness. “You’ve got the wrong dame,” I protested, but he silenced me with a backhand crack of his plastic shovel. I played unconscious ‘tll he waddled off to get his diaper changed. Luckily, I was able to scramble free before the tide came in, but that little bastard totally stole my paperback (The Tommyknockers II : Aces Wild on the Riverboat Queen by Rue McClanahan. I guess King didn’t want to a sequel and Rue was up for it. Whatever, I don’t look for substance in beach reading. Anyway, I hope it gives him nightmares.


KUM BA YA M’ LORD Not only did I go to the beach, I also went canoeing in my hometown of Scroton, Massachusetts, on beautiful Lake Frumundasquat. Quite a mouthful, isn’t it? Everything in Massachusetts has these long Native American names, it’s crazy!


Take a sniff, pull it ouuut,, the taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth!!!! I take the time to personally inspect each piece of bait for freshness. Hey, I know it looks a lil’ gross, but If I don’t want to eat it, chances are the fish don’t either. That philosophy backfired moments after this photo was taken, when I wanted to eat the bait so bad I actually did. This resulted in a painful, unplanned make-out sesh’ with a hemostat to remove the hook from my lower lip. YOWTCH! After four more such occurrences, I decided to stop smelling bait. It’s just too damn tempting.


I fished for a little while, but get off my case PETA members, I didn’t catch anything, though…wait, is herpes a fish? OMG J/K!!!

Doesn’t it look like I peed my pants a little? I’m too lazy to photoshop it, so you’ll have to take my word that I probably didn’t.

Anyhoo, I’m glad to be back, though I feel a little worn out! Probably because I had to walk all the way home!!! Yeah, while I was using a bathroom at a roadside Burger King, my friends forgot I was in there and took off without me!!! OMG, those guys are so forgetful, right?? WTF!!!!! Whatevs. Just try to make it through 99 bottles of beer without me, suckers. God, on the way down, they would always lose count at around beer number 63 and want to stop early. Then I’d have to start all over again! Also, no one else brought anything to listen to but me- could I help it if it was it was a Best Of Molly Hatchet CD? And whoever heard of 20 questions with a ”no genitals” rule?! They wouldn’t know how to have a roadtrip if it bit them on the ass, which I did, (my regional version of “Punchbuggy”). Man, what are they gonna do without me! It took over five days to walk back, that’s why this post is so late. I’m tired and I think I have tetanus. OMG, it’s like I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. LOL, OMG that’s soooo crazy!!!!!!

CURB ALERT!!!!!!! I’M AVAILABLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was my funny craiglist ad removed by the craigslist community? You know what else they should remove? That stick up their asses!! Hey, I know!!! The craigslist community should look on craigslist to see if anyone's selling a sense of humor, am I right???? LOL!!!! Whatever, I just wish I’d have known sooner, I’ve been sitting out here since noon, waiting for someone to claim me. No wonder all I’ve gotten were some weird looks, cement burn and a starburst someone whipped at my head. WTF. Actually I wasn’t mad at all, cuz I’d been sitting out there all day and did need a little a pick me up!!!! Anyway, the ad was up a good hour or so before it was pulled, so I’m surprised that I had no takers. I might have been lying a little bit about the no bugs/stains part, but everything was 100% true!!!!! Come on, people! Here’s the unedited ad:



OK, pimping myself out as a Craigstlist curb alert may not have been the classiest of moves, but things are getting dire around here!!! Me need action!!! I can’t remember the last time I had a date! I think things have gotten worse, since my last lesbian-flavored blog post! I thought way more dudes would be into me if I said I was gay . . . guys love lesbians, right? But then I realized they only like hot ones! OOPZ!!! Wish I knew that before I got the goatee implant. I think it’ll fall out if I stop taking my pills though!!! ARGH!!!!

OMG you guys I need a boyfriend!!!! I've tried so many different things--- unfortunately, all of them scary and frightening to men!!! Oopz!!! What else must I do? To what lengths must I go? I need WUV!!! Men-folk--- I’ve taken the trouble of getting out of your dreams, when will I be finally allowed to get into your car? WHEN?!

I MISS BEING GAY


Ah, those were the days! The Gay Days. Does anyone remember . . . gay? What happened to all that gayness? It seems like only yesterday I was munching a rug, but now I’m too busy smoking a pole to fit any carpets in there. This may come as a surprise to some of my readers, but at one time, I used to be a big fat dyke. Now I’m just an overweight straight woman! OMG, Wha’ hoppen????

Even though I’m not gay anymore, other people always think I am, I guess because I’m a strong, opinionated woman and when men see that, they automatically think lesbian. That and the way I eat pussy. OMG J/K! Me am cockgobbler forever. I swear!!!! Here, I’ll prove it. OMG, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????

So, what went wrong with my lesbiosity? OMG, I think for one thing I couldn’t take all the communication, discussing our feelings on a molecular level. “But what did you mean when you said that you were thinking about what I meant?” HUH??? Listen, I wasn’t making a derisive snort when we you were talking about your pottery career, a mung bean just went down the wrong way. We’ve been talking about this for six hours! Can’t you just fumble at my tits, fart and pass out? OOPZ, forgot you’re not a dude!!!! I don’t even think telepathy would have made understanding each other any easier. Then I would have to explain all my Ed Begley, jr. sex fantasies and those transcend mere sexual orientation, okay?

Speaking of doin’ it, all those sexual politics got on my nerves, like bullshit about how sex can be just cuddling and doesn’t have to have orgasm as a goal. That’s not sex, that’s being really bad at taking a nap. Either fuck me or go to sleep! Just quit waking me up with your reiki back tickling or whatever, alright? You’re just making me feel like I have to pee. Not in a good way, either. Even inserting a freaking tampon became a political act! OMG, TMI much????!!!!!

Also, when I cut my hair short I look less like Jamie Lee Curtis, more like a fat Dominican boy and there’s nothing anything can do about it. How could it be racist if it's true?????

But you know what, I accepted those problems as par for the course. I laughed, I loved, I bought a Subaru station wagon. Things were great. Then one fateful day I betrayed my lesbian sisters and bought a one-way ticket on the penis express. By law, I am forbidden to step foot into Northampton, Massachusetts again. Heretic! I don’t know what it was, exactly. I remember listening to some Ani, baking some granola for the cats and the strangest heterosexual feeling came over me. I looked down at my overalls and my Birkenstocks and thought, “I don’t have to do this anymore.” And just like that, it was over. I gave away all my spider plants, tore up my membership at the Park Slope food Co-op, and burned my rainstick, thus ending the chapter on the wildest two weeks of my life.

Now because of the short duration of my Sapphic journey, (more of a sexual day trip to Atlantic City, really) some have accused me of pandering to male fantasies in order to get more readers. OMG, is it working????? Oopz, I mean, that’s crazy talk! Listen honey, in those two weeks, I was probably gayer than some of you lesbians have been your entire freaking lives! Those two weeks were like gay concentrate. If you add water, I’m a 65 year old harley ridin’ bulldyke with a crewcut, a silent partnership in a Siamese cattery and more sizzlin’ toys than a fire sale at FAO Schwartz. Now that’s gay. So don’t give me any shit, ladies, I got my fingers dirty! And sticky. OMG, EWWWW!!!

Anyway, that’s it, I’m 101% straight and I’m afraid there’s no going back. SORRY, BITCHES!!!!!!! Please find another seat, my face is cockupied! At least I think so!!! Don’t hold me to any of this after a couple of drinks, if you know what I mean. After four or five crantinis, it’s like whatever am I right????? LOL!!!! BTW, I recently found some photos from when I was at my old alma mater, Smyth College. That’s right, I said Smyth. I went there because they try not to tame each student’s individual “animal style”. OMG, did you understand my 80’s pop reference???? BTW, if any dykes want to spank it to these pix, how could I possibly stop you? I'm pre-claw, bleach-blonde and leztastic! Enjoy!!!!



OMG, I remember her from freshman seminar. Last I heard, she was raising show chickens in Montana or something!!!



“Got no time to for spreadin' roots, The time has come to be gone/
And to' our health we drank a thousand times, it's time to ramble on!” - Zep.



Did somebody say drum circle???? Here we celebrate the fall equinox, or as we called it The Earth Mother’s Dry Crispy Leaf Menstruation.



I’m always up for an impromptu game of touch football, as long as folks aren’t shy about the touch part!!!!!! :D



When you play football with a bunch of cuties like these, sometimes being tackled is the goal!!!!!!



Me and my Golden Retriever, Amy Ray, Jr. ! This picture was featured in a brochure called “Discovering Park Slope Diversity”.



Who loves to chase sticks?! Amy Ray, Jr.!!! I gave Amy Ray, Jr. to a shelter when my gay wore off, cause I quickly discovered having to end a date early to walk a mutt is a major cockblock. Don’t get all PETA on me, I’m pretty sure the shelter was no kill! Sheesh!

PLEASE DATE THAT CELEBRITY TO BENEFIT MY CAREER!!
OMG, I have this friend who has a chance to date this totally famous film star!!! But she’s all undecided and shit. OMG ARE YOU CRAZY????? Obviously, date him! When one friend starts dating a celebrity, it can only help the acting careers of those around her! Hurry! I need to get into a summer teen comedy before I get jowls! While I can still pass as a youngster! Before the only part available to me is the middle-aged nymphomaniac wife of a foreign deli owner: “Mrs. Slavinokis, please! You’re a married woman!” (I could do Greek!) Do you think Rob Schneider would be famous unless his best buddy Adam Sandler dated Ruth Buzzi???? ME THINK NOT!! If only my aunt had dated Steve Guttenberg those many years ago I might have gotten somewhere in my life! Date this celebrity so it can help my career! OMG, so what if it’s rumored that he’s a philandering alcoholic!!!!! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO DADDY!!!!

OMG, should I tell you who this film star is that my friend might date is? Should I? OK, it’s Dustin Diamond !!! LOL! JUST KIDDING IT’S NOT!!!!! Dustin is selling driftwood art at the Wellfleet Drive-in on Saturdays. OMG, >GASP< what if Dustin Diamond’s a big fan of my blog and I just totally made him cry???? OOPZ!!!! 4GIVE ME?

If you do date that celebrity, he’ll probably notice right away how talented and beautiful I am and he’ll probably want to put me in a movie. Don’t be jealous if he doesn’t ask you. I’m an experienced comedic actor, you’re just his girlfriend! But when he needs something in the dick sucking department, where you work, I’m sure he’ll give you a ring! OMG, I’m such a bitch, LOL!!!!

Just date him long enough for me to give him my head wound! OOPZ, I mean, headshot. Can it be both? I’ve been through some rough times lately. OK, so I don’t have what some would call “traditional leading lady looks”. But perhaps the film takes place in a sideshow? After a nuclear holocaust?

Ooh, I have an idea! Why don’t you, my friend about to date an important celebrity, give him my headshot! Tape it to your stomach so it’s there when he pulls down your pants! HELLO!!!!!! Why? Because people remember a unique delivery! Write that down!! OMG, I know you’re all like “I’m Every Woman” and shit, but do me a favor and trim the tundra down there, so I don’t look like Rasputin on the reveal!!!! Huh? Why are there two people in my headshot? Oh, like I’d do anything without my best friend Kelly! I didn’t want to exclude her. I’m sure your bigshot moviestar boyfriend can get her a part too!

After every date, I want details of your sexual progress so I can compute how it relates to my acting career! Kissing? Oh, come on. That’ll get me maybe an extra role in a crowded bar scene. Thanks a lot, ya frigid bitch!. Oral sex? Now we’re talking! I can be a sassy, ethnic check out girl in a grocery store who comments sardonically on the male lead’s bizarrely suggestive purchases: “Big night?” That’s me!

OMG, thanks, but . . . I kinda wish you cared enough about my acting career to give your film star boyfriend some anal. I know it’s none of my business, but that would be so awesome!!!! Then I would KNOW you and I truly are BFF’S!!!! OMG, if you chose to be unselfish and do what I suggest (anal), then I would totally get to play the female protagonist’s supportive, yet kooky best friend who rehabilitates owls and is briefly kidnapped. (I know, still only a supporting role. Hey, I might be delusional but my self-esteem stays firmly grounded in reality. OMG, thanks! I’m thanking you in advance!!!! I’m buying a few decorations for my trailer!! I’m SAG! You can tell by just looking at me!