IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX WITH A MOVIE?

Because I want to fuck The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.

AND NOW…THE STARTLING CONCLUSION TO THE EPIC STORY NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT!

When we last left our humble narratoress, she was in some sort of crazy make-out room in the back of a bar and things were going exceedingly well. Continued from the previous entry.

I closed my eyes as his man-hands man-handled me. Like a swiftly moving, fleshy, five-fingered locomotive his hands traveled, voyaging lower and lower past the various areas of my body: Boobville, Nipple Village, Upper Gutburg, Midflabbington, Lower Chubchester, Fupa Heights and The Petrified Forest (I forgot to wash). Finally, the hands reached the end of the line, coming to rest at the city-state of Sloppy Gulch which also contained the tiny yet welcoming hamlet of Puckerton Ridge (called “Browntown” by the locals). I gave a (controlled) whinny of triumph and began my breath of fire, which is admittedly a tad disruptive but absolutely necessary for me to reach orgasmé!!

Suddenly, the hands ceased mid-diddle ! There came a cry of disgust and I heard: “What the fuck?” followed by: “Ew, is that a PUSSY?” and “Oh god, I think I just touched some sort of bloated growth!” The jig was up. Crap, I should have bobbed and weaved a little more, you know, guided him past the rough spots, at the very least, taped over my third nipple . The hands fell away and the place flooded with light. Then, the screaming started. OMG, it was a total Déjà vu!

The exact same happened to me when I moved to that town in Alaska, way up near the arctic circle. For the first 3 months I got tons of action but when the sun finally rose, the party was ovah. I got the idea to go there after watching 30 Days of Night! Here’s an excerpt from my journal from around that time:

Dear Diary: OMG that movie was sooo scary!! But it gave me an idea. Could what worked so well for the vampires, also work for the ugly? Check Jet Blue for flights!!

Unlike the movie, when the sun came up I didn’t burst into flames, but I did have to pay for everyone’s vaccinations. I then attempted to get my freak on with the town's small population of the blind, but apparently genital growths are braille for stay away. Sad face.

Anyway, as I was dragged out past various sets of entangled naked dudes, I finally understood. This wasn’t your regular bar. This bar was different. This bar only accepted one type of person and excluded another type of person. I admit, I was slow to catch on, but I had the idea now. The bar was anti-Semitic. No wonder no women were in there, being prejudiced is a total turn off!!! See if I ever come back to drink at your dumb place, ”Dick Target’s"!!! After all, you're not the only bar on Fire Island.

EVERY TIME I GO OUT SOMETHING RETARDED HAPPENS!!!!
I went to this club last night, and at first everything was great!!! The place was packed with super-ripped, gorgeous guys. And I was the only girl there, just moi afloat in a sea of shirtless, glitter-wearing dudes! Almost too many! I wanted to be fair so I started tearing up bits of paper to do a lottery! Then I feared I was dreaming, so I reached down and pinched . . . someone’s butt!!!! LOL! :P

Even thought the odds were totally in my favor, I was getting no love!! I tried hitting on dudes, but all I got were nasty looks. Maybe these guys were on some sort of seminary field trip?! Or maybe I shouldn’t have worn daisy dukes, everyone else was wearing them!!

One guy stopped me, saying he wasn’t into Queens???????? OMG non sequitur much?! “So, move to Brooklyn,” I suggested. I tried to put my arm around him, but I couldn’t get any purchase as he was heavily greased. What's crazy is that's exactly how my last boyfriend broke up with me!!! Not only did it permanently stain the floor, it was totally unnecessary, as I would have let him leave the apartment after a final death lock hug!!

The place didn’t look that rowdy, but apparently there was a fight right before I got there! This guy in a latex hood told me two men had been fisting right on top of the bar! At least that’s what I think he said, it was hard to hear him through his ball gag!!!

A bright moment came when Mr. Latexhood asked me if wanted share some poppers. I was like “Sure!” OMG, I’m on totally a diet, but I just can’t say no to a plate of Jalapeno poppers! Some people might be against it, but I totally support the right for cream cheese and jalapeno to wed!! LOL :P Unfortunately, before my new friend and I could split apps, someone yanked on his dog leash and dragged him away. OMG, STORY OF MY LIFE!!!!

Even my best pick up line fell totally flat!! “What has two thumbs and no lice as of 3pm yesterday? This lady!” WTF! I wasn’t the only one having a bad night. A few dudes even started to make out with each other, even though there were no girls around to watch. Did Maxim tell you that would work? God, it was almost kind of pathetic.

Then I went to the bathroom and it was a wreck. There was piss all over the floor and the stalls had holes in them!!! “This is place is such a dive!” I yelled, and the leather clad midget passed out in the urinal totally agreed with me. He either nodded or the water flow was causing his head to bob. Also, a urinal in a ladies room? Somebody call 311! LOL!!!

I went into the back room, and the light was totally burnt out. Figures!!! Just as I was groping my way to the front to request a fresh bulb, a pair of strong masculine hands began to massage my shoulders!!!! OMG someone was touching me!!! Touching me willingly!!!!! In a sex way!!! In a way very unlike the medical way I get touched when I lie in the road, pretending to have fallen from my bike!! STOP JUDGING ME!!!!

It was clear I had stumbled into some kind of make out room!!!! I quickly stepped out of my pants, coughing to cover the noise of the velcro (I know it’s not fashionable but buttons am hard). The hands moved lower and I began to lose myself in SEXXXSTACY.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

WOULD YOU READ THIS EXCERPT FROM MY EROTIC NOVEL?

Sebastian paced the darkened room, his riding crop tapping out an impatient staccato on his pert, leather clad hip. Behind him, Fiona waited breathlessly. What sort of wickedly wild, pleasantly perverse, naughty notion would he visit ‘ponst her trembling body tonight? Her heart thrilled as her imagination went berserk! At long last, Sebastian pursed his sensual, mustache clad lips and spoke:

“Tonight, I am giving you to another man.”

Fiona gasped, her noggin reeling from the news. Her bodice heaved. She almost spilled from her beanbag chair. But if Sebastian noticed her distress, he gave no sign. He continued in his low, musky voice:

“You are to garb yourself in your finest silks and apply your most alluring scents. A limo will be arriving to drive you to his villa.”

“B-but Sebastian, I can’t- I’ve never--” she stammered. Though her face flushed red as a chastised beet, his words wakened a lustfulness of spirit in each loin. She suddenly felt her nipples wrinkle up in pleasure like two elderly crabapples.

“He is a very rich and powerful man, Fiona. You must please him as though he were I. You are to have no inhibitions, no reservations. You must completely submit to his every desire, no matter how perverse, no matter how obscene, no matter how utterly debased. Yes, as much as I love you, as much as I treasure you, I am giving you to another man tonight, Fiona. And that man’s name . . . “

His deliberately long pause only fed her curiosity like a silent volcano.

“Sebastian!” She querulously quavered. “Please!”

His lips twisting into a cruel smile, he continued, “That man’s name is Orville Redenbacher.”

With his usual catlike grace, Sebastian leapt onto his Segway and glided from the room as soundlessly as he had entered.

Fiona rose from the beanbag and absently took off her diving helmet, freeing her ebony tresses. Orville. Orville Redenbacher. Whoever he was, his name had an undeniably sensual ring to it. She mouthed the two words over and over, allowing her tongue to caress the six syllables as though they were the last, precious throat lozenges on earth after some sort of climate related disaster or nuclear devestation. Fiona smiled, first outwardly, then inwardly. She slunk to the mirror, uncapping her deodorant with a flourish. It promised to be a very interesting evening.

ALL CONTENT ABOVE COPYRIGHT 2008, EXCERPT FROM THE EROTIC NOVEL “THE VELVET BANJO”, BY STACEY NIGHTMARE

SLICE OF LIFE
Swirling keytar freakout part of The Edgar Winter Group’s Frankenstein = Music that plays in my head as I hide in the bathroom, compulsively picking at my face.

Click here if you would like to reenact at home.

I’VE GOT A BAG OF COTTON BALLS AND A FAVOR TO ASK . . .
OMG, it’s not what it sounds like!! I went hiking in the woods this weekend and came back covered in Poison Ivy. I don’t mean to sound perverted, I just need someone to daub some calamine lotion on a very hard to reach spot. Until I orgasm. What?! Unfortunately, there’s no one around to anoint me!! I’ve called everyone I know, and they’re all totally busy or lost their arms in a threshing accident. YEAH RIGHT! I’m not calling anyone a liar it’s just kind of funny how every time I need a bunion rub or a boil lanced, suddenly no one has hands. I’m just saying . . .

OMG, who’s that looking back in the mirror, Enemy Mine? It’s all over face, on my back, my arms, my legs, inside my nose, and even on my hoo-ha. Oh, shush, like you never touch your magic places. That reminds me of this time I cleaned a foggy window and was startled by a cat sitting right there. It was the only other time I screamed when I wiped.

When I tell people I got poison ivy, they look at me like I’m an idiot , but I swear it wasn’t my fault!! I mean it’s not like I grabbed a whole bunch of it and rubbed it all over my face or anything! First of all, it was like one leaf and I didn’t rub it all over my face, just my nose, chin and eyes. What? I though it was aloe! I guess it was a dumb mistake, but there’s no google image search in the woods, alright?

You know what, since we seem to be having a truthfulness party, I wasn’t in the woods, I was rolling around on a planted median near the Holland tunnel. Naked. During rush hour. I was a little depressed and I was trying to cheer myself up. I may not be able to afford pinkberry like a normal person, but writhing around in the brush on a traffic island naked is well within my price range. Oh well, at least for 45 minutes, I was genuinely happy. Would have been longer if this over-observant douchebag riding by on a stupid recumbent bike hadn’t called the cops. OMG, I totally hate everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEET CHRIST, the itching is driving me nucking futs, where’s the hell’s that BBQ fork I was using earlier?! FFFFFFFF, ahhhh that’s the stuff! My friends tell me to stop scratching, that I’ll only make it worse. Whatever, I know when to stop, when I see blood, the human body’s natural red light! Uh oh. Ears grow back, right?

EX-BOYFRIEND LOVE ADVICE
Talk about fucking gall, people. A shitty ex-boyfriend of mine who dumped me long ago, just called for advice on how to break up with his current girlfriend!!! That’s like a having a murderer who left you for dead call up for hints on how to dispose a body: “I was thinking maybe culvert by the side of the road, in the tall weeds?”

This is how my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Much like the SAT, he used an analogy. Here it is, word for word: “Have you ever lived in an apartment and there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s totally fine and everything, but you just wanted to move out of it?”

Let me guess, asshole- I’m the apartment?!!!!! Me is to apartment as this relationship is to sucks?! Looks like I just got a 1600! But instead of going to Princeton, I’m going to Dumpville State. OMG, I don’t understand, we just saw Donnie Darko, isn’t it time to listen to Split Enz and make out??? Um, Obvs, that’s what should have happened. You know what, God owes me a post-darko make out sesh for that grotesque miscarriage of propriety. I’m serious, bitches. I got netflix and an IOU. Who’s coming over?!!! Whooooo's it gonna be? I SAW YOU DRAW THE SHORT STRAW, DON’T TRY TO PUT IT BACK!!!

Call me crazy, but I just feel that break-up speeches are a bad time for metaphor. I suppose it could have been worse. I could have been a overdue library book, a gross tasting bagel or a pair of pants he could no longer wear due to explosive diarrhea. I guess I can be grateful he didn’t decide to act it out with finger puppets or a rap that rhymed dump with different hump.

He didn’t give me any real reasons why he was breaking up with her other than he was bored and therefore her lease was up. See that? BASTARD!!!! I knew it wasn’t my fault, despite my cheating, incontinence and sleep-stabbing!!! (Only once, and it was really just a scrape. Hush.) That guy's like a pit in the woods girls accidentally fall into. He really needs one of those cautionary face tattoos they used to give adulterers and bread thieves.

ANYWAY, WTFF I am supposed to say to him on this entirely too personal subject? Besides FUUUUCK YOUUU!!!. I mean. OMG, I don’t know, try to grow a soul? I yelled at him for forty-five minutes about what a total douche he was and told him to do the right thing: be honest and end it. His genius plan was to act more and more disinterested until she couldn’t take it anymore and dumped him.

OMG, WHAT A TOTAL ASSHOLE, RIGHT?????.
Finally, I was like “Why am I even talking to this jackass anymore?! He’s like one of those psychic vampires Anton LaVey warned me about!!!! (La Vey briefly dated my mother in 1987, then dumped her for a 21 year-old checkout girl at Stop & Stop. Some role model!!) Anyway, it was time to take charge of my life!! I was furious! I slammed down the phone, deleted his number from my cell, then went right over there and had sex with him!

OOPZ!!!!!!! But what about all the things I did right?! The part when I got mad, the phone slam and the number delete? Me do good! But all of a sudden only the fellatio part matters! What do you want, perfection?!!! God damn it! It doesn’t matter anyway, cuz my ex-boyfriend and I are dating again!!!!! (I think!!!) I’ve been memorizing my trivial pursuit deck so just try and get bored this time, fucker, your life just became pop-up video!!!!! Wish me luck!!!!