IT’S SUMMERTIME, FUCKERS!!!!
OMG,
SOR-REE I haven’t been posting much, but I had to get out of town for a little while. The city is crowded, my friends are away and I’m on my own. It’s too hot to handle, so I got to get up and go! OMG, did you even
realize I was quoting a
Bananarama song just now???? Well I was! My work is filled with
arcane references, so have your google at the ready if you're dumb!!!
Anyway, some friends of mine were going away for the weekend but
“forgot” to invite me. OOPZ!!!! Imagine their surprise when I climbed into their car at a
Connecticut rest stop! Wait, when I said surprise, I actually meant
horror. Chill the fuck out, me am brought
Cinnabon! I guess the sight of me clambering in the window covered in
blood and
leaves from some shortcuts I took was kind of shocking (BTW, why is there so much
razor wire surrounding highways?! I mean, what are they protecting, it’s just a
road!) but their annoyance soon gave way to resignation and we were well on our way to
fun town. (I use a similar tactic with
dating. I call it the
wear-down.) Enjoy these pix documenting my frolics in the first golden blush o’
summer.

OMG, Is this my life or an outtake from a
Capri Sun commercial?
ME AM HAVE FUN IN SUN!!!! BTW, I totally apologize to the taker of the photo for his subsequent
tramplelation. Moments after this photo was taken, I started
hydroplaning and it was very hard to stop. I’ll pay for the bonding on your front tooth as
soon as I get a job- I swear!!!!! This photo is also available in giant poster size, 72” x 96” (Not really.)

Come on in, the water’s great!! Actually, after this picture was taken, someone informed me I was laying in the
sewage run-off. The actual surf is behind me.
OOPZ I had to hang my suit out the window on the ride home, and later I had to
boil it, causing my house like to smell like fermented
balls. Which was kind of an improvement!!!
OMG, SELF DIS!!!!
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sands….. You know how people’s body types are apples or pears---I think I’m a
yam. OMG,
SIGH.
The only thing missing from this picture is a
loving boyfriend waiting with a large, soft towel to
swaddle me. And, as long as I’m
dreaming, maybe offer me a
peanut butter cup to replenish the
electrolytes I lost whilst
capering in the foam. That’s not so much to ask for, is it people? Why is that like a fucking
fantasy novel at this point????? There’s more of a chance of someone like me finding a freaking
leprechaun than finding a cute boy to towel off me off and hand me a
Reeses. Anyway,
whatever. I wasn’t about to hold my breath waiting for
Mr. Right to come along, so I simply rolled in a patch of
kelp ‘till dry.
YAAAAA!!!!! What tha??? I only had dozed off for like a
minute before I woke to find myself entombed by this toddler. Real cute, right? More like a
junior Mafioso. “This is what happens to
squealers,” growled the tyke, as he patted down the sand to a crust of inescapable hardness. “You’ve got the wrong dame,” I protested, but he silenced me with a backhand crack of his
plastic shovel. I played unconscious ‘tll he waddled off to get his diaper changed. Luckily, I was able to scramble free before the tide came in, but that little bastard totally
stole my paperback (
The Tommyknockers II : Aces Wild on the Riverboat Queen by
Rue McClanahan. I guess King didn’t want to a sequel and Rue was up for it. Whatever, I don’t look for substance in
beach reading. Anyway, I hope it gives him nightmares.
KUM BA YA M’ LORD Not only did I go to the beach, I also went canoeing in my hometown of Scroton, Massachusetts, on beautiful
Lake Frumundasquat. Quite a
mouthful, isn’t it? Everything in Massachusetts has these long Native American names, it’s crazy!
Take a sniff, pull it ouuut,, the taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth!!!! I take the time to
personally inspect each piece of bait for freshness. Hey, I know it looks a lil’ gross, but If
I don’t want to eat it, chances are the fish don’t either. That philosophy
backfired moments after this photo was taken, when I wanted to eat the bait so bad I actually
did. This resulted in a painful, unplanned
make-out sesh’ with a
hemostat to remove the hook from my lower lip.
YOWTCH! After four more such occurrences, I decided to stop smelling bait. It’s just too damn
tempting.

I fished for a little while, but get off my case
PETA members, I didn’t catch anything, though…wait, is
herpes a fish? OMG J/K!!!
Doesn’t it look like I
peed my pants a little? I’m too lazy to photoshop it, so you’ll have to take my word that I
probably didn’t.
Anyhoo, I’m glad to be back, though I feel a little worn out! Probably because I had to
walk all the way home!!! Yeah, while I was using a bathroom at a roadside
Burger King, my friends forgot I was in there and took off without me!!! OMG, those guys are so
forgetful, right?? WTF!!!!! Whatevs. Just try to make it through
99 bottles of beer without me, suckers. God, on the way down, they would always
lose count at around beer number
63 and want to stop early. Then I’d have to start all over again! Also, no one else brought anything to listen to but me- could I help it if it was it was a
Best Of Molly Hatchet CD? And whoever heard of 20 questions with a
”no genitals” rule?! They wouldn’t know how to have a roadtrip if it
bit them on the ass, which I did, (my regional version of “Punchbuggy”). Man,
what are they gonna do without me! It took over
five days to walk back, that’s why this post is so late. I’m tired and I think I have
tetanus. OMG, it’s like I need a
vacation to recover from my
vacation. LOL, OMG that’s soooo crazy!!!!!!
Labels: Balls, Blood, Capri Sun, Cinnabon, Fishing, Hemostat, Road trip, Scroton MA, Summer, Swimming, Vacation